Imagine that yourself and one other person are in a room together. The two of you have a close relationship; you love them, and you believe they love you as well. Now, imagine that this person is wearing a shirt onto which hundreds of tiny, sharp razors are sewn. As you interact, the person extends their arms forward, as if to embrace you. How do you decide if this hug is safe?

At some point in our lives, the harmful actions of a loved one may prompt us to make a decision for our safety and our health. But the relationship we have with this person and the love we feel toward them may make this difficult. We think not only of the pain that has been caused by this person, but also of other memories we have with them that seem to contradict the harm they’ve done to us. Life would be much simpler if people were either wholly good or wholly bad. But that is not reality. An emotionally abusive mother may also be a caring friend. A physically abusive husband may also be a dedicated financial provider. A person who commits a sexual assault may also be an engaging parent.

As we navigate what has been done, we try to understand how someone we love could have done this, or how someone we have seen doing good things could have done something so bad and so hurtful. The difficult truth is this: regardless of the love we feel towards a person, regardless of the good they may have done in our lives, abuse and cruelty are always wrong; and, furthermore, once a person has proven that they are capable of harming us once, they have proven that they are capable of doing it again. Sometimes, harm is not a one-time event but part of a pattern of behavior. It is important to notice these patterns and to understand that love alone does not guarantee change. You deserve consistency in how you are treated—you deserve to feel safe, respected, and secure.

The razors attached to the loved one’s shirt mentioned at the beginning of this article represent abusive behaviors: verbal insults, physical violence, sexual assault, etc. Hopefully, you will never be asked to embrace someone who is covered in razor blades. However, you may one day be faced with a decision of whether to remain close to someone who commits or has committed abusive actions toward you. What decision do you need to make to be healthy and safe? This may involve setting boundaries so that this person does not have the same access to your heart, mind, or body. Or it may involve creating a plan for safety so that you have a set of steps to follow if a situation with them becomes dangerous.

The Center for Empowerment and Education (CEE) is a safe and welcoming place for those who are wondering how to navigate the complexity of making safe and healthy decisions after being hurt by a loved one. For over fifty years, CEE has served the greater Danbury community, offering free and confidential support, helping individuals learn how to create boundaries and safety for themselves and their families. For more information on how CEE can support you, call our 24/7 hotline at (203)-731-5204 (for sexual assault) or (203)-731-5206 (for domestic violence).