For many years, it was my challenge to keep children’s attention as I spoke to them during adolescent well visits. In particular, I thought it was worth discussing aspects of personal responsibility as children reached the age of 11 or 12.

Parents are expected to protect their children and prepare them for adulthood. This is, naturally, a gradual process. Sometimes parents' own behavior is the most effective way to teach children, for example, giving to charity or letting someone into the line of traffic, thanking someone for their services or being patient when a transaction with a store employee isn't going as expected. I believe being vaccinated against COVID-19 (unless you have a valid medical exemption) is another important example.

But early on, children are not very effective learners. That's why it's up to all of us to make sure infants, toddlers, and small children can't hurt themselves. Since children crave attention, often they will do whatever it takes to get their parents' attention, even if they are regularly punished. There is a certain point in life, however, when children are capable of understanding their role and I call this the age of being responsible for the consequences of your behavior. I think children should be introduced to this concept as early as possible. If they understand the meaning of the concepts of responsibility and consequences, they are ready to accept personal responsibility and to live with consequences.

My introduction to the subject of responsibility includes some ideas that are perhaps a little surprising. Often, I will say something like this: “I'd like to tell you the secret of life. If you can remember these two facts, life will be much easier for you.  There are two things you must never say. The first is, 'It's not my fault.' The second is 'That isn't fair.' You must never say these things not because they're not true. You must never say these things because it doesn't matter if they're true.  I know this may seem confusing, but I hope after I have explained my reasons, you will understand my point.”

Let's look at how this all works from the point of view of long-term consequences. Suppose your child has been told that they can go to a friend's house on Saturday if their chores are completed. But the child has put off the chores, planning to do them Friday, but then realizing that there is homework to be done. It’s not the fault of the teachers that the child didn't get the chores done. Once again, the failure to plan is the actual cause of the inability to get the chores done. “Remember,” I might say, “It's always your responsibility to have a plan. In other words, you can never say 'It's not my fault.' And you should never say 'It's not fair.’ In truth, sometimes it really isn't fair, and sometimes it isn't your fault. It is still up to you to deal with the situation. Now, that situation may not be what you really wanted. But whining about it is not going to make things better. And, of course, you have help. If you're not sure what to do, listen to the quiet voice in your head telling you what to do. It's very likely that voice sounds a lot like your mother. If you're still not sure, ask your parents or teachers for help.”

“What I hope you'll eventually figure out from avoiding the trap of blaming others for your unhappiness is that to be happy, you have to know what you want and how you're going to achieve what you want. I know that at 11 you don't have all the answers. But I can tell you that doing well in school and listening to your parents is a very good start. Choose some goals now that you can make a reality and try to figure out what you have to do to achieve them. You are responsible for the consequences of your behavior. If you want to succeed, don't wait for the post office to deliver your success. You have to get it yourself. I wish you all the success you wish for yourself. I am proud of you for how well you've done so far, and I look forward to your success in the future.”

Robert B. Golenbock, MD, is currently retired. He has cared for children in the Danbury area for 43 years, including at the Center for Pediatric Medicine. The CPM is located at 107 Newtown Rd #1D, Danbury, CT 06810. For more information, please call (203) 790-0822 or visit https://centerforpediatricmedct.com.