These days, everybody around you seems to think they have all the answers. You can hardly make a statement without someone trying to correct you. There’s a reason for this. People hate uncertainty, and if they can develop a sense of the world that is consistent, they’re much happier. Unfortunately, the truth isn’t always obvious, and the relationship between two things is not always clear. To cite a couple of trivial examples, there is no actual evidence that people behave worse when the moon is full, and children do not become more hyperactive after eating a lot of sugar. But I’ll bet I can’t convince everybody. Facts just aren’t enough these days. 

But even worse than a constant barrage of criticisms by people trying to convince us that we are wrong in our thoughts and behavior is the constant barrage of self-criticism by parents who feel like failures. Years ago, I thought it might be fun to write a handbook for parents that would absolve them of the guilt they often heap upon themselves. I concluded that parents need to give themselves credit for doing the best they can. In case I’m not being clear, let me give you a few examples. 

Unless you are an alcoholic, the drinks you might have had before you realized you were pregnant are extremely unlikely to be harmful to your unborn baby. Those drinks might have been the reason you have a baby, but you will be fine if you abstain from alcohol once you know you are pregnant. And give yourself points for not smoking (anything), for not using cocaine, and for making sure there isn’t any fentanyl in your home. A baby touching something laced with fentanyl and putting that hand in his mouth can die! Congratulations for doing your best to clear the home of poisons, Tide pods, bleach, paint chips that might contain lead, and curtain cords that can strangle toddlers. Toddlers especially don’t have any sense of cause and effect, and they are mobile enough to get into trouble no matter how hard we try. They are going to fall, hit their heads, put things in their mouth that don’t belong there, break your good stuff, and put everything in the toilet. If you have gates to keep them away from the stairs, protection to prevent falling out of windows, and secure hiding places for things that you don’t want them to touch, give yourself points. Some foods are also dangerous. Remember, no peanuts or popcorn for children under 4. Extra credit for mixing small amounts of peanut butter in with food once your child has started solid food. That will reduce the risk of peanut allergy. 

Preventing bad outcomes is everyone’s job. But there are behaviors in infants and children that are not preventable and are nobody’s fault. If your baby has colic, talk to your pediatrician. Often the problem is that the child is accumulating gas and needs manual stimulation of the anal opening to relieve the pain. Sometimes chronic pain is caused by issues that are difficult to identify – especially when a child is not verbal. Autism and other developmental problems make parents feel guilty, but it’s important to realize that it is not the parent’s fault.

Being a parent is an overwhelming job at best. Adding in economic problems and having to leave home to work, parents often feel they are abandoning their children. Health issues, including mental health problems, can lead to hopelessness. If you are doing your best, don’t beat yourself up. And it is important to know where to find help. Do not think you have to do this alone. Start with your family, your community, and your religious and medical advisors. People who are truly on your side are not interested in pointing fingers at you. They want to help you succeed. Let’s all hug our children and give ourselves credit for what we’ve been able to accomplish. 

Robert B. Golenbock, MD, is currently retired. He has cared for children in the Danbury area for 43 years, including at the Center for Pediatric Medicine. The CPM is located at 107 Newtown Rd, #1D, Danbury, CT, 06810. For more information, please call (203) 790-0822 or visit https://centerforpediatricmedct.com.